Torn
I’ve been going through a lot of confusion about my beliefs lately. I was born Muslim and I’ve always known things about Islam, I even memorise parts of the Quran, but recently I don’t feel the same certainty anymore.
I feel split between believing in God and not being sure He exists at all. I keep going back and forth in my mind and I don’t know what I actually believe anymore. It’s like I can’t fully commit to either side.
A big part of my struggle is that I don’t agree with a lot of the rules in Islam anymore. Things like modesty, hijab, gender rules, relationships, and marriage don’t make sense to me the way they’re explained. It feels like everything is very structured and serious, and often male-centred, and I don’t understand why it has to be that way.
I used to think maybe it was just culture, but now I feel like it’s deeper than that. And that makes it harder for me to dismiss my doubts.
I also struggle with the idea that belief in God is required to go to paradise or avoid hell. It feels unfair to me that something like belief alone would decide something so extreme. I don’t really understand why that would matter so much.
Prayer doesn’t really feel like anything to me either. I try, but I don’t feel that connection people talk about. Sometimes I think maybe God is guiding me or maybe He isn’t, but I’m not sure anymore.
At the same time, I feel scared of losing my identity. I don’t know who I am without Islam. I can’t really imagine myself as non-Muslim, but I also think that might be because of shame and fear of how people would see me.
I also worry that if God doesn’t exist, then maybe I’m just wasting my only life following something I don’t fully believe in. But if He does exist, then I’m scared of being wrong in the other direction too.
So I feel stuck. I don’t feel fully Muslim in belief anymore, but I also don’t feel like I can just become atheist either. I’m somewhere in between, confused, questioning everything, and trying to understand what I actually believe instead of just following what I was raised with.
Right now I just don’t know what the truth is, but I know I can’t ignore these thoughts anymore.