Lost?
I feel like I’m loosing touch with my religion. I’m starting to question everything. I’m stuck between I know this is the correct religion and what the fuck am I doing? I feel like I’m either a very good Muslim or I’m just someone who larps being Muslim.
Like genuinely idk what to do or think. I don’t even know how to put my thoughts on paper. I can’t seem to grasp what is happening. I wanna try everything and see what I think of it. But with my environment that’s literally impossible.
I hate being back from my school exchange. There I could just live day to day without any of these thoughts. Or just once in a while. Now it’s a constant reminder and presence in my mind.
I believe in god. At least I think I do. But then I’m like what if he doesn’t exist. But then I’m thinking everything needs a beginning. So does all this around us. So a god must exist. But then I see what happening all around the world and how can god exist and let this all happen? But then I think about the idea of free will again.
The main thing that makes me this confused. Why am I here? I never wanted to exist. I’d rather not exist cuz I don’t want to experience the day of judgement and hell and wtv. If hell didn’t exist I wouldn’t want paradise. Idk. I’m not attracted to the idea of living forever and idk. I feel like it’d just be a numb feeling. Or just continuously the same ‘excitement’. I’m so tired and idk.
I don’t know. That’s the constant phrase which turned into a mantra. Im just so so so lost and I genuinely have no idea what to do. I want to be free but the idea that this world is temporary holds me back. I’m just so lost.
If there was no hell, would I still believe in god?